Lombok and i try to think of a few things

disclaimer : gabut only.

tbh, sebenarnya nggak yakin juga mau nulis apa, tapi mumpung suasana hati lagi ups and down just like a roller coaster ride, sedikit cerita tentang state of my mind belakangan ini deh.

belakangan rasanya jenuh banget sama rutinitas, sama pekerjaan, daily life yang terus monoton begitu aja. pergi ngantor, visit lapangan, istirahat, main hape, scroll2 instagram, baca2 cerita nggak jelas, udah gitu aja. sampai kadang adakalanya tiba-tiba ngerasa capek, padahal sedang nggak ngapa2in, ya capek aja gitu. 

sempat mikir kayaknya addict sama sosial media dan kehidupan dunia maya justru bikin realita agak blur, i feel so lost and kinda missed my old self.  Iren yang dulu, yang menggebu-gebu, i used to have a big dream, such a dreamer and i like that. tapi sekarang kayak mager aja, belum ngapa2in udah capek, kayak nggak ada target yang pengen di capai, kayak nggak punya mimpi, like what on earth is happenning, i feel so empty. not to mentioned how much i'm whinning every day. i put the blames on others and it was selfish, i know. and few days ago i come to conclucions that i need to learn to put my happiness upon things i can handle, i can control. bukan pada orang lain, pandangan atau respon balik dari orang lain. karena mungkin salah satu yang bikin capek itu karena selalu memikirkan "bagaimana pendapat mereka jika aku melakukan ini" atau "kira-kira mereka bakal marah nggak ya kalau aku nggak bisa ngelakuin ini" dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan lainnya yang berseliweran di kepala. 

so today, or yesterday to be exact, i took a few days off from work. fly to lombok with my life partner, and even though i still have to handle a few works by phone, it's okay, i need this short escape. i need to heal my mental health issues😉 

nb: isn't it weird that you missed someone you've hurt? i read her blog, and i know for sure, i still can't forgive my self for those stupid things i've done and i know i've hurt her pretty bad, so bad. and it's funny when i realized how much i adore her personality, her whole self. i just wish someday, i don't even know when and how, she'll find out how sorry i am for every stupid little thing. i wish you have a happy and blessed life, sist.

My own

 No one has to know

Just how much it’s hurt, everytime.

And sometimes i thought, maybe, yeah maybe it was part of a beautiful tragic fate which uncoincidently become mine.

It’s kinda suck having such a thought. Wondering how it feels to have people who loves you, and sincerely suporting your choice, who appreciate and understand intead of questioned what you did, someone who said “hey, it’s okay you did such a good job, you’ve done your part very well” or if words were to much to ask, then a warm hug is more than enough. But i’ve been living a roller coaster pretty scary ride. And having judged unfairly for the things i’ve done or never did is really not helpful. I can’t love my self and i even doubt my surrounding, believing on people become a difficult task.

But then again…

No one need to know…